Surreal, that’s the word what I send to friends when they ask how I feel. Because I have spent the last days with the idea that I am in a bad dream where I can’t come out of. Or the idea that my brother not dead at all and can walk through the door straight away and shouting “Hello, it was a big joke.” But that is not the case, it feels surreal but it is reality.
I’m often happy with a holiday, but this holiday comes at the right time. I am still a lot tired! I am often physically tired and for those who do not know what it is like to be mentally tired: it feels just like going to a college from nine to five with a half an hour break. No fun.
You think all day long to anything and everything. But there is actually nothing. Many people I can’t speak because that is I really really tired of it. No, not because the people are opiates but because it gives so many stimuli that lots of energy costs. It is on these moments not so fine to live in a village.
Life in a village
Because a village can be supporting but can also be very difficult. Especially in times when someone is sick or just died. Walking with the dog or shopping isn’t that easy. In your mind you know you meet people who want to condole with your lost or just want to talk about the two and a half years where you have been in. I appreciate it very much that people come to me to show support. It’s just really hard to talk about it some time but I find it very important that people can see the other side of the world and maybe can realize that it is sometimes very very heavy.
I am therefore most time in. Then I walk like a ghost through the house. Everything feels surreal at the moment. The world keeps spinning around but my life is at this moment. There haunted a lot of throughs in my mind at the moment: is my brother really is dead, how do I continue life, how should I behave, about seven years I am the same age as my oldest brother and it is normal that I am still very much like to go to America. Many people will easily be able to answer these questions but for me it’s just difficult. Because my brother would want me to just keep going, but what does “just keep going” mean If you don’t even know what ‘keep going’ is?
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