Last Sunday was the first day since long time I had inspiration to write. It was a lot about how our life stands still and how the lives of others continues. It was an article where I was very proud of, because it was the first article after the death of my brother and the first article about my brother. But my laptop crashed and the item has not been saved. I know every word and every thought from the article yet, but it feels different if I redo for the second time in a different vibe. My heart is breaking right now in small pieces, as it all seems to be fine. But nothing is as it seems …
Last Friday was the death blow: my brother had lost after 2.5 years the fight against cancer. And how shit you feel then … Really very shit! I can’t realize that my brother isn’t here anymore. I get app’jes every day of super dear friends who ask ‘How are you?’ and actually say I’m always be fine. I’m not one to cry all the time, or that nothing can. Look, I live in a kind of haze which sometimes things go along me that I have not, but overall it just goes good.
Except at times, and that there may be small. So we have already gotten a lot of bunches of flowers, lots of lovely people. But if you then all of a sudden get a big bunch of flowers delivered from a classmate of your studies then there will be a big lump in my throat. Okay let’s be honest, I have been massively whining about.
So there is another moment when I wanted to try out my new phone and already wanted to put on WhatsApp. This kinda went, but then I lost all my chats. Also all my WhatsApp history with my brother. Well, I have to tell you that at that time I had the tears in my eyes and that I could be by the soil pockets of grief. I got completely panicked and didn’t know what I had to do. Fortunately, the conversation was still on my old phone so I put everything back right away.
But it’s not always good. I had a very nice article written, the first article I wrote after my brother had died, but also the first article where I write about my brother. It was an article about the time stands still for us, but not for others. The moment I had finished the text a friend came in and I hit my laptop shut. Without saving the article. Because, it does this mostly by itself. Well, this time not so I was already with tears in my eyes.
Small things can make me and, above all, break at this time. Generally I cry not and can I “easy” talk about everything. Sometimes I can even laugh about things. But don’t think that I am decidedly lacking in nothing done. Because my feeling is just like my brothers disease: in a conversation people do not notice that you are sick or that you your feel so shitty so it looks like everything is going well. But what people don’t see are the tears that flow on my bed when I try to sleep.
Nothing is what it seems …
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