It is May 3th, quarter past one at night and the realization comes all of a sudden in like a bomb. My brother is dead. On the very day that my other brother 25 is coming the realization to me inside. The realization that my oldest brother is no longer there. With tears rolling down my cheeks I write my thoughts now on. Because the realization is now in my head but there must be equally well come true.
You lie there, in bed, at a quarter past one at night. You’ve decided to go to sleep and then there ghosts all sorts of things cross your mind. 90% of those things has to do with my oldest brother. And then it all of a sudden sink in, like a bomb. From the nothing I start crying and I realize that I will never see my oldest brother. Never will give a hug and never joking with it could make. The realization that you always will have a reserved seat at your wedding that remains blank. Realize that your own children have (at least) two uncles, but one uncle will always be a digital/paper version. And you realize that a family photo never will be complete anymore.
Last few days I already described how surreal life I have right now and that nothing is as it seems. But while writing these blogs the real sense did not yet came up. It was all so weird for me over the last few days that I do not have need to cry or that I didn’t know why I was not mourning. But now I understand why. The realization that my brother really no longer lives drops is still not as good inside. Well, let’s say that I just don’t want to believe. Because who would want to admit that his or her brother/sister is no longer there? I think nobody. Maybe the chops there on these moments something more in that you then realizes that it really is and not a big joke.
Panic, powerless and grief
Let me describe how I feel right now. Now the realization comes in. It feels powerless, like you’ve never felt. Grief, as large as you’ve never had. But above all panic, because I do not want this at all. I want to go back in the time. I want to have a moment where I can give him a hug. It is a form of panic where you know that there is no ‘solution’ to take away the panic and you feel fine again. Thereby you’ll get even more panic giving it all dust build-up.
And this is only the beginning. I can’t, and won’t, imagine how it will be when the realization comes in even harder. Sometimes, I look forward to things, but at the moment the world can stop for a moment. It’s all going too quickly. Just keep the time at 1.43u so I can get breathing space. Because I don’t have the feeling that I have it right now.
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